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in which i am forced by the state of texas to eat potato chips for dinner.

April 4, 2010

for the love of non-slaughtered firstborns, WHERE IS MY MATZOH?

I am not a religious girl. I’m actually, it seems, godless, having fallen through a theological loophole between Christianity and Judaism that left me at birth without an “official” parental religion. Plus, all the enthusiastic sinning. So much of the sinning.

But if I absolutely had to assign myself some religion–which happens weirdly often, especially when trying to avoid airport evangelists–I’d call myself Jewish. I don’t actually believe in god or pray or attend services, though, so instead of all those actually religious things, I opt for the food stuff. Meaning I fast on Yom Kippur, avoid bread on Passover, and subsist entirely on latkes on Hanukkah (seriously–over a week-long holiday, I probably consume at least five pounds of potatoes. You’re welcome, Idaho!).

We’re now at the tail end of my boyfriend’s (/fiance/whatever) and my first Passover in Texas. My family was in town during the first couple of days, so we were eating out a lot and didn’t get a chance to go shopping.

This was a rookie mistake.

Apparently, grocery stores in Texas only bother ordering one shipment of matzoh. At two separate stores, we found so-called Passover displays TOTALLY DEVOID of matzoh. Having run out, they figured Austin’s seven Jews were sated and didn’t bother ordering more for shirkers like us. At one, the employee we enlisted to help us look politely suggested we try the dairy section.

Yesterday, we went to Costco. Costco, where you can buy a big-screen tv and a case of cinnamon rolls. And a bathing suit. And a gross of multivitamins. But not, apparently, matzoh. We’re being punk’d, right?

Seth and some of his friends had chicken wings, but I’ve always considered this foodstuff to be entirely more trouble than it’s worth. If I have to coat the insides of my fingernails with sauce and suck meat from between tiny creepy poultry bones like some sort of zombie giant, then I want more than two bites of food per uncomfortable operation. Which is odd, ’cause you’d think I’d be into being a zombie giant.

BUT ANYWAY: I rejected the wings, and then failed to think of anything else I might be willing to eat. At about ten-thirty, I wandered into the kitchen and took stock of our gluetan-free offerings: two tomatoes, cashew-carrot-ginger soup (actually awesome), frozen edamame. We eat a lot of pasta, and my non-noodle-based cooking repertoire consists mainly of grilled cheese and quesadillas (or, you know, “flatter grilled cheese”). Potato chips and Naked juice it is!

Today we actually managed to find matzoh, at the Whole Foods (in “cracker” size, because the regular kind was only sold in five pound boxes, which would have been awesome if we were starting our own synagogue/cult, but not really helpful for three days of Passover-ing).

But not before I had potato chips again for breakfast.

One Comment leave one →
  1. April 7, 2010 9:51 pm

    Did I ever tell you about the time that I was looking for Hanukkah candles in Somerville and I went up to a store clerk at Shaws and asked if they had Hanukkah candles and he said “No, I don’t think so.” So I asked him to double check, and he went to go ask his manager. After waiting for 5 minutes, the manager shows up and asks what exactly is it I wanted. I repeated that I was looking for Hanukkah candles. He looked at me blankly and said “What is Hanukkah?” I was like, “Just forget it,” but then on my way out, I found the Hanukkah candles… with the hummus (that makes some sense) and the matzah (which makes no sense because it was December).

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